Just Mindless Ramblings

I think it’s quite unfair, being here in front of the computer all morning and not being able to update the blog.. It’s unfair to the helper too coz I left her to do the housework all alone with the excuse of doing some office work and actually just emailing, doing other things with the computer except that!

My daughter blogs almost everyday, can you imagine that?  I wonder how she finds all the words to write.. Me?  My mind gets blank.. numbers actually go through my mind.. thousands and millions. I actually get to dream of numbers.. No, not the ones that some people bet upon.. Guess what?  Hahaha!! We are actually in the process of closing the agency’s books and it’s making me dizzy already.. Wahahaha!! So many years of reconciling, making entries and still can’t get it right! So many audit notes, findings and recommendations..  But inspite of that, I still say our auditor is one of the best! Sipsip!!

I get a refreshing break from Nina Soul Siren.. I got to load her pics on my profile.. She’s young,full of life.. I kinda wish I was like her but then again, I don’t.. *sigh* can’t make up my mind.. ok, it’s final, I don’t want to be like Nina, I just want to listen to her songs..

So, I did justice to this full half day of consuming my internet card, I got a blog entry.. I can go now.. see ya!!

Just felt like writing..  Some housework left undone..  It somehow calms me having this computer as a companion..

In the midst of a storm, there is peace and calm in the middle.  Jokes and chain emails somehow make my day.  I haven’t emailed my daughter this week, I wonder what she’s up to now?  I really am content with the way things are. By some grace of God, I have learned to accept things as they really are.  That’s the secret to contentment, acceptance…

A good laugh helps a lot and so does travelling.  The former will do when funds are low and the latter is impossible to achieve.  Concentrating on a good movie gets one’s mind off current events which are quite upsetting.

A cousin sent me a chain email entitled "frogs".  It turned out that little frogs were fighting for the top and the one that succeeded was in fact deaf.  He didn’t have to deal with the negative and discouraging talk all around which was the secret of his success..  Lesson?  Turn a deaf ear when people say bad things about you which could pull you down..  Nice mail..

Double Jeopardy was my movie of the week.  Husband framed wife getting her into jail for murder, his, just to get the insurance money which he used to shack up with her best friend.  It could be the revenge aspect that excited me or the determination of the wife to get back her son when she went on parole six years later.  I dunno..  I was expecting it to be a courtroom movie to capture my attention.  I’m relying heavily on diversions nowadays. Hehehe!! It works most of the time.  I’m really trying to be a deaf frog. Hahahaha!!

When the electricity’s out, I go to my plants and work up a sweat, do a lot of housework.  Come to think of it, I’m much more productive when there’s no electricity, no computer, no dvd..

Ta ta.. so much for writing.. but I really wonder about my daughter.  I miss her.  I want to see my granddaughter actually..  She lost her cellphone so I can’t txt her anytime like I used to.. Bye..

A cloud of disappointment came over me yesterday night.  I was anticipating success but sadly failure came.. My heart went out to the special person in my life who was first and foremost, the one extremely hurt by that.

It came over me that sometimes real determination plays a very big role in success.  I remembered the time when I was reviewing to take the board examinations, I was really depressed then.  The first big heartbreak of my life, with a kid and practically no one to turn to.  My world then was the down in the pits, blackest of all black. Most people expected me to fail considering the mental and emotional torture I was going through.  The few people who believed in me, my dean, my roommates, my parents, they brought a light of hope and some kind of inspiration.  My pain was turned into a strong determination to show the one source of that pain that I would not surrender the fight.  I decided to show him that my life can and will go on without him.

I was thinking of all the jeers I would receive had I failed that examination.  I couldn’t bear that, insult upon injury?  I would show them that I can do it, and I did..  All glory and praises back to God..

It is a matter of how we handle the trials and pain in our life, how we turn the weakness into strength.  How we pull ourselves up after we stumble and fall. Like harnessing a waterfall, we can get great energy from it..

Since then pain has been like a friend accompanying me through the years.  And being constant companions, I have learned her habits and how to adjust and live with her..  She never goes away… comes in all forms.. *sigh*

Count your blessings, as the saying goes…

Ok so problems are endless, finances, family……. But blessings are plentiful too. My hair has grown back. In fact, I had my first major haircut the other week. The hairdresser was so surprised to see me after being absent from his parlor for so many months. I have slowly gone back to my duties, hobbies actually. My plants are happy to see me once again. And yesterday my first piglet (after several years) had his little home finished. These may seem trifle to others but to me it’s so great!!

And most of all, someone was brought here in the house to see me. I never expected it, feeling like someone with leprosy whom no one ever goes to visit. They came, and once more I felt that I’m not such an unwanted, unimportant, unacknowledged person after all. Na himaya jod ang babae.. Hehehe!!

Oh well, so much for blogging… till next himaya!!

Some storms don’t come alone…

This one came with companions much more that I could handle.

Here I am all bald and possibly (?) sick with SLE, financial problems, family problems, personal and emotional and worst, work related problems.

Maybe this is God’s calling for me for I do believe that we experience God in the deepest pain.  Changes have to be made in my life and I trust Him to guide and strengthen me in the decisions which I have to make.

All things work for good of those who love Him.

Another thing is that I have discovered that it is really much better to tell and accept the truth no matter how painful or damaging it may be.  Lies don’t have feet and need more and more lies to prop it up.  O dbah?  I still have some principles left and I pray to God that He will not take away the little I have left.

Oh well, still have work to do.  I just took some time here blogging to clear my head of ALL that things that are cramming my mind together right now.

Because of the lack of words to say or explain the things we do or say, we just make the simple escape of "just because…" or "yon lang.."  We simply can’t explain.  Sometimes we expect others to understand nalang or just let go of the issue.  We get angry if they insist but then they also have a right to know.

It happened to me the other day and I was on the receiving end.  I simply could not, would not understand why the other person could not explain just giving me a stony silence.  Well, not exactly stony, but ignoring me so that the matter could come to rest.

It took me two days to come to terms with this silence.  I’m not used to this but I realize that I myself do it sometimes.  When I lack words to explain, when I’m cornered and most of all when I’m at fault.

Prayer helps a lot.  I realize that God is good all the time and simply say that maybe its what He wants.  He has His reasons, maybe to humble me, to try my patience.

Conclusion: Silence helps. Just let go.

i guess i’ll get used to this stuff. actually its quite relaxing?? hehehe!! my daughter actually thinks i’ll get affected by the stuff she writes, well, maybe, just a teensy weensy bit affected.. hehehe!!! i know she’ll say "you’re mean!!" hahahahahaha!!!

well, she’ll get used to it, i hope.. actually i’m quite excited or just interested as to how things turn out, how she’ll handle things.. ah basta!! mrag experiment ba.. will she be strong? i know she has to… grabe ka thrilling oi!!! hehehe!!

of course i’ll be here to support her but she’ll learn to walk by herself. i know coz i did..

bye!