Just Mindless Ramblings

So here I am, living my life in this box apartment working 6/7 having a daily itinerary of home-office-home. It’s not so boring though, the work keeps me occupied. However, on Sundays, I do feel an extreme need to ignore the work that I have saved in my flashdrive with the intention of finishing it at home. We do take some time off after hearing Sunday mass which is celebrated during Saturday afternoon. Some pizza or other fast food in a nearby restaurant takes away the drudgery of our daily routine. Other officemates would see that as pretty trifle but for us, saving as best we can to be able to send money to our families, it is a luxury that our budget has to bear to keep us from going down the road to depression. Hearing from my daughter that my ex went home with his "wife", I didn’t feel a thing anymore. No more anger or hurt, I actually felt a bit sorry for him. He already has 5 kids with her. I told my daughter to be pleasant to her since apparently, he loved her more than he loved us, if he did in the first place. It’s a strange thing. Time can really heal old wounds, not just a dose of anesthesia to make you feel numb coz when it wears off, the pain returns. This, coupled with acceptance of God’s will in our lives makes us look to the future with hope. Speaking of future, it really is uncertain. One would not expect that I will be here at this very moment. I dare not think of how God would rate me for if I were to evaluate myself, I would have long been terminated by the Terminator. But the blessings that He has provided are signs that He is a merciful and loving Father. Only someone who is desperately in love would forgive and forget that much.

since I have written on my blog.  I have been quite busy these past few weeks but then that is how I want my life to be.  I didn’t really expect this though.  For me, work is fulfilling.  I feel worthless when I think I haven’t done a good day’s work.  It’s ok to be working overtime at home especially when one doesn’t have anything else to do.  They advised me to get a helper inasmuch as household help here is not so expensive.  But considering the amount of spare time I would have during off days, I would rather do the minimal cleaning and cooking myself if only to kill the time and save on expenses too.

Not only one advised me to go out and mingle with others but why can I not bring myself to do that?  Being alone for so many years has really gotten to me that I prefer my own company to a group.  There’s a religious community that I join once a week, but that’s all.  I can’t even bring myself to stay long after the activities and make small talk with the other members.  Really!  I’m starting to live like a hermit.

Trying to understand the situation, one of the logical reasons could be that with the length of time that I have been on a very tight budget, I have shunned activities that could cause my expenses to needlessly increase to the extent that I deny myself things that could be good for my personal welfare.  Or do I???  Or is it just plain laziness to go out?

My 42^nd birthday came and went.  Family members texted me their greetings for which I was so thankful.  And that also was some kind of a secret for me.  I do not want other people to know! And why?  I feel awkward and I don’t know what is expected of me.. Shucks!! 42 years of age and still feeling like that?  Sign of the boondocks, that is..

So here I am, hanging on to my cellphone (that is the thing that is eating up my budget, cellcards!!), texting and calling the folks at home.

I have also been trying to understand the word co-dependent.  What is a co-dependent?  My comprehension of this word is that the person is psychologically dependent on another for her very existence.  Not the physical aspect as in food, clothing and shelter, but dependent on the approval, connection or relationship with another person, in order to function normally.   Could it be?  Now a person like that would need psychological or spiritual healing, and that person would be me……..

these entries were written, typed rather around 6 weeks back but I just didn’t have time to post.. bahaw na nga storya.. hehehee..

This should have been posted a loooong time ago.

God answers prayers, He’s so good to me.. Know that song?  Miracles do happen and they happened to me!  Fully expecting myself to be already shut out from His grace, I thought He wouldn’t make pansin to me anymore.  But I was in for a BIG surprise!

I prayed, but I had second thoughts whether those prayers were really from the heart.  I haven’t visited the Adoration Chapel for a very long time.  I was caught up in the conflict and couldn’t even think straight anymore.  I would just make some hurried babble that may or may not be even classified as a prayer.  Could it be that if the intention is for the greater good, He will act on it?  Why even ask, of course He will!!

I miss my friend Wym.  She hasn’t emailed me for quite awhile.  We talked about those things before she left and now it is time to make some feedback on the things we deliberated on.  She is quite understanding and in no way judgmental.  I wonder when we will see each other.  I hope to see this through and attain the objectives that we talked about.   ‘Ter, you know what I’m talking about..  See you..

My expectation of the place was so much different from what it really is.  Wow!! Inspite of the obvious signs of some past lingering into the present, the promise of development in the very future is already at the door.

With some heaviness of heart I told myself I would not be bitter about the devastation I felt, anticipating a somewhat better treatment considering the effort made previously..

Women are famous for having changeable minds.  True, I think.. But this time, I have decided finally to do the right thing.  All advice had previously been glossed over by rationalization, seemingly to justify the wrong being done.  Final is as final is, but praying to the Lord that nothing will ever change the long self debated decision.  Time will tell and we shall hold our breaths…..

We were friends way long before.. classmates from pre-school, elementary then high school.. played together on the jungle gym, she was there when I fell off, exchanged Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books then graduated to Agatha Christie, Mills & Boon, Sidney Sheldon, Ken Follet and Robert Ludlum.. we cut class together just to be able to watch the new movie opening at the local cinema running back to school just in time for the periodicals.. tree house gimmicks.. sharing ideas and trials… she was my confidante, no less.. memories light the corners of my mind.. hmmmm…

I salute her for the strength and bravery that she showed..  She was her usual cheerful self, no depression whatsoever, no telling what I would have done myself if I were in her shoes.  She will always be a part of my life.  She was actually my inspiration during our younger years.  I wanted to be as bright and intelligent as she was, but alas..  I cannot hold a candle to her.. My very good friend Lanie…

What does this really mean?  How do you go about it?  I read about this once before in a Christian book and wondered what it really meant.  Going through life’s experiences, its ups and downs, slowly the phrase gradually gained meaning..

To embrace manifests receiving it all.  And life?  Life is not only the inhale and exhale blessing that we receive from the Lord, but includes all our day to day activities, thoughts and the interaction with other people.  Embracing life, for me, is the acceptance of everything we go through.  All the positive and negative.  The happiness and the sorrows…

It would be nice to be able to master this but we cannot do it alone.  We need the intercession of the Most High through His Holy Spirit… You might be asking to yourself, what has this woman gone through that she is finally feeling quite spiritual?  Yes, this woman is receiving God’s subtle and not so subtle reminders to reach out to Him…

Dual personality I definitely think not.  Callousness also a no no otherwise no amount of prodding would bring me around to thinking of the meaning of the rainfall of problems.. Sometimes I get to singing to myself ".. walang katapusan kitang ha-harassin…"  Hehehe!!

I helps a lot to pray for people how hurt you.  You will be the first beneficiary of these prayers..

Come to think of it in a not so spiritual way, all things come to an end.. This will also end but here’s hoping that it will not take long, O dbah?  Hoping too that the three main actors in this drama would be enlightened.  So many people have already been affected.  They cannot sleep and worries about their jobs haunt their every waking moment.  But on the other hand, the three actors are also so stressed out I expect.  Hate keeps people awake too.  I am already at a loss at what to do.  Solution:  just float on the water.. let the waves take you where they will.. release it all because at this point, only the Lord knows what will happen next..

At this point, I am already experiencing mental, emotional and physical stress… Yes, physical because of all the travelling that I have to do at the moment.  Pray for guidance..

I have just arrived from Davao and the cost and time involved have somewhat inspired me into blogging about it.. Oh well…

Looking back, it has been such an eventful week or month rather.  So much traveling done (translate that as a drain on the pocket) and a lot of issues raised, resolved but still a lot more unresolved.  At some point one can hardly breath, literally, that is.  Or maybe it’s just symptoms of hypertension.

The trip to Davao served many reasons.  At any rate, the unpleasant one showed some light however small.  The satisfying one was that I was able to divert my mind of the heavy thinking that I had to do these past few weeks.  Samal Island was a place I wanted to see for sometime.  Although some kind of anticlimax since I was somehow expecting more(?)  No, not that.. It could have been the heat or what, I can’t really pinpoint the actual cause… the prices?  No, that was expected… Or was it the reactions of my companions.  I don’t really like to hear grumbling when we are on the receiving end of a favor..  I think of it as a favor because the government was actually spending for the trip.  The least we can do is appreciate… That is what I always tell myself, when favors or benefits are given, however small, we should recognize that NOTHING in this big world is FREE except the love of God.  So, if we do not want to appreciate, we could at least refrain from complaining, dbah?

Oh well, I really got back to the mainland as soon as I could though, leaving the others behind because the heat is something I cannot stand.  It makes me drowsy, gives me migraine, blah, blah, blah… An excuse for simply going off by myself..

On deeper analysis,  maybe age has something to do with how I feel about things.  Eccentric could be the more appropriate word.  I can’t stand the company of so many people for a long period of time.  I’m a bad egg in a group (I don’t really express it, I just want out, secret bah… )  I wanna be by myself.. I don’t even want to go shopping.  Not that I have the money for it, no… When in a mall, all I can think about is go watch a movie.. I don’t wanna buy anything except food, coffee really.  What is this?  Unlike before when going to a mall excited me to the max, I can’t think of anything else to do..  Could it be that the financial insufficiency has gotten to me that motivation is already a dead horse?  I just wanna sit around and wait until all my companions have gotten their fill of buying.  I don’t even feel a twinge of envy.. At least envy would have shown more life… Hehehe!!

I’m really beginning to think that I am anti social, a hermit (the frog, Kermit diay!!).  Have I become so self centered that I cannot stand a little heat for the benefit of other people?  Ano ba yan!!

We also went to see the crocs in Buhangin.  That was something quite educational for John.  When he’s happy, I am happy too.  That was the first time that he saw those animals except from books.  It was also the first time that I got a steam bath in Nabunturan, because we stopped for awhile there on the way home.

Overall, it was a nice change from the usual problems, complaints, feudalism that I will be hearing all over again tomorrow.. Hahahaha!! Ok lang, I’m still breathing but when it stops then, that’s it.. deadbol najod… Hahaha!!

I just felt the urge to write in this blog kay morag na deadbol na pud ug una…

Just arrived from Sunday Mass and lo and behold, the person who I hoped not to see on these occasions was sitting right in front of me!!  Actually we’re not even acquaintances.  He, being a former local public figure, was known to almost everyone who regularly goes to church.  It was our former (assistant?) parish priest.  Former, because he got married to this woman, some years back.  The woman was with him at that time together with their two kids.  I usually saw him some rows further but now he was in the row right in front of me.

My heart sank.  No, I didn’t feel any condemnation for him for I am, I think, more of a sinner.  I sobbed a little.  So that is what crying inside means…  I had mixed feelings which actually I did not and still do not understand.  No condemnation or anger for him, mind you.

I have very high esteem for priests and their vocation.  Feeling somewhat like they are an extension of God himself, which they really are.  No, I didn’t feel angry toward the woman too.  I understand that these people are humans and subject to the temptations just like all of us.  I think frustration about the situation would be nearer the mark.  It hurt me more to hear his voice singing along with the crowd… the voice that I associated with leading the Mass itself.  A voice so familiar that it stood out from the rest.  This priest was a really good singer too and unlike some whose voice would be overwhelmed by the voice of the lector, his voice had an authoritative ring to it so that whenever he officiated the Mass, most sleepy people had no choice but to listen.   I felt like it was a waste that he should leave the vocation, being an obvious asset (like all the rest of course).

This led me to some reflection…  God does permit those things to happen even though it hurts Him so..  His love for us is so great that he allows us to do things even if it means His sacrifice..  It is up to us to listen and follow His teachings and ministrations.  Most of us are blinded by our personal interests.  We cannot see beyond what we want.  We just stop there and never for a moment stop to reflect how God would think of it.

I really think its best. from time to time, to have some self torture on how we are hurting God with our sins.  But the bottom line is, do we love Him enough to change ourselves, our habits and practices?  Could be that we make this resolution during prayer time and forget about it 30 minutes after..  I’m always guilty of that…  I just pray that whatever happens Lord, please don’t let go of me… Hold on to me because I cannot do it myself.

A week ago my second granchild was born.. Curiously, I don’t feel any different, as in aged? or as in retirable?  Maybe its just the body that grows old, the mind remains but matures in the wisdom of the years.  What really is a sign of maturity?  Is it the ability to take things as they are?  To be able to decide with practicallity?  What is practicallity by the way?  Is there such a word?

For sure, ramblings are a sign of a not so mature person.. Or it could be that the person’s mind is so full of concerns that he refuses to face some realities.. Are bloggers really writers? Are all writers bloggers?

Oh, I’m just taking time off in this internet cafe in downtown Dumaguete.  Some very crucial financial concerns, worries actually spiced with a little family, shall we say, debates?  I’m not into debates coz when a person really, really wants to win, the tendency is, he will let go of words which can harm, hurt the opponent.. What do you do when your mind is 99.9% full? Bye bye nalang..