Just Mindless Ramblings

since I have written on my blog.  I have been quite busy these past few weeks but then that is how I want my life to be.  I didn’t really expect this though.  For me, work is fulfilling.  I feel worthless when I think I haven’t done a good day’s work.  It’s ok to be working overtime at home especially when one doesn’t have anything else to do.  They advised me to get a helper inasmuch as household help here is not so expensive.  But considering the amount of spare time I would have during off days, I would rather do the minimal cleaning and cooking myself if only to kill the time and save on expenses too.

Not only one advised me to go out and mingle with others but why can I not bring myself to do that?  Being alone for so many years has really gotten to me that I prefer my own company to a group.  There’s a religious community that I join once a week, but that’s all.  I can’t even bring myself to stay long after the activities and make small talk with the other members.  Really!  I’m starting to live like a hermit.

Trying to understand the situation, one of the logical reasons could be that with the length of time that I have been on a very tight budget, I have shunned activities that could cause my expenses to needlessly increase to the extent that I deny myself things that could be good for my personal welfare.  Or do I???  Or is it just plain laziness to go out?

My 42^nd birthday came and went.  Family members texted me their greetings for which I was so thankful.  And that also was some kind of a secret for me.  I do not want other people to know! And why?  I feel awkward and I don’t know what is expected of me.. Shucks!! 42 years of age and still feeling like that?  Sign of the boondocks, that is..

So here I am, hanging on to my cellphone (that is the thing that is eating up my budget, cellcards!!), texting and calling the folks at home.

I have also been trying to understand the word co-dependent.  What is a co-dependent?  My comprehension of this word is that the person is psychologically dependent on another for her very existence.  Not the physical aspect as in food, clothing and shelter, but dependent on the approval, connection or relationship with another person, in order to function normally.   Could it be?  Now a person like that would need psychological or spiritual healing, and that person would be me……..

these entries were written, typed rather around 6 weeks back but I just didn’t have time to post.. bahaw na nga storya.. hehehee..

~ by jai01 on March 1, 2008.